The Old Pecan and the Sea Literary Cooking Adventure

Once again, we return to the kitchen in a brilliant effort to create another pie. This time, I attempted to tackle the very precarious Butterscotch Pecan Pie. I had some trouble the last time I attempted one several years ago and it almost turned to goo before I froze it, capturing its saccharine essence in solid form. I was hoping that this pecan pie would be a bit easier provided my extensive and disastrous history. I was proven wrong.

As with the banana cream pie, the pie crust decided to be the most obnoxious part of this Cooking Adventure. I had to roll out, shape, pin-prick, and bake 2 in order for it to work. There are apparently very detailed steps one must follow in order to get the perfect pie crust including thawing, unrolling, pressing, pricking, chilling, weighting, and baking…and I didn’t follow them for shit. Sorry, but all of that kagatha just to pre-bake a pie crust seems ridiculous. I should have just done it. Maybe then I wouldn’t have ended up with something that looks like it was made out of sand.

The other thing that really set me off was my inability to open the bag of pecans. I wish I was joking. There’s a segment in the bloopers where I struggle with the bag of pecans for almost a full two minutes before succumbing to rage and hacking it open with a pair of scissors. Then, I couldn’t open the bag of butterscotch chips. It wasn’t my day.

As a tribute to Hemingway’s classic novel, I decided to take a break and cast a line, hoping to hook something good. Instead, I managed to capture the rare but ferocious Lemon Jelly, a cat with an insatiable appetite and primal rage.

Interested in the recipe for this disastrous pie leviathan? Scroll down and behold!


1 pre-made pie crust

1 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup white sugar

1/2 cup butter

2 eggs

1 tbsp. flour

1 tbsp. milk

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 cup chopped pecans

1 cup butterscotch chips (optional)


Unroll pie crust and place over pie dish. Make sure to push the pie crust down to the plate and get any air bubbles out from underneath. It’s also helpful to prick it all over to help some of that trapped air escape. (Apparently, you also need to then let it chill for ten minutes before sticking it in the oven if you want it to retain its picture-perfect shape and not crumple into a hideous mess like it did with mine in the video.)

Allow pie to bake for 15 minutes at 400. Remove pie crust and set aside to cool.

In a glass bowl, beat eggs until they are foamy, then stir in melted butter. (Always handy to melt your butter ahead of time so that it isn’t like molton butter lava when you pour it into the eggs. In short, it’ll cook your eggs and you’ll have a cross cesspool of egg white and butter to deal with.) Stir in your brown and white sugars and the flour and mix together. Add milk and vanilla and stir.

Add the pecans. (If the bag doesn’t open, use scissors immediately. Don’t dawdle around trying to tear it apart for five minutes like I did. Just admit defeat. The pecans have won this battle, but they will not win the war.) Stir. Add butterscotch (or chocolate) chips if desired and stir once more. You also have the option of adding pecans to the top of the pie, placing them in any kind of pattern you want. This is only for looks; it isn’t necessary.

Pour your filling into the pie shell and place the pie back in the oven. Bake for 10 minutes at 400, then reduce heat to 350 and bake for 30-40 minutes. The pie will need time to cool and “set”, so when it comes out, leave it alone. Don’t assume anything with the pecan pie. It has more tricks up its imaginary pecanny sleaves than a magician.

Enjoy with vanilla ice cream. See. You won the war after all.

Stay tuned for more Literary Cooking Adventures!


Looking for the recipe on this pie?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s