Horror-FAIL Friday: My OLD Writing – Station Twelve Part 2

old writing

Welcome back to the next entry in my latest OLD Writing segment for Horror-FAIL Friday. Last week, we began a new and terrifyingly terrible tale featuring Jay Russel, a work-a-holic secret agent who is going on his first vacation in seven years. Of all the places he’s decided to venture, he chooses the majestic and plainly named Snow Inn in Vermont and goes there along with gal pal, Alice, who is, so far, the most obnoxious female character I’ve ever written. After climbing three floors and hefting enough luggage to last them a year, they find their luxurious hotel room where they decide to immediately fall asleep. And now let’s return and begin a new day with our pathetic protagonists…

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Horror-FAIL Friday: Part 12 of My OLD Writing

huge_yawn_cat

Welcome back to the final episode of My OLD Writing on Horror-FAIL Friday. It is a sad and yet joyous day because this turd of a story that I wrote over 12 years ago is finally coming to a close. Be it known that it does not have a resolution; my younger self gave up on it, hopefully because I realized that the idea was stupid and moved on to other projects (probably equally as awful). Here’s what we know…

At an up and up photography school in California, Lila Pullman has become strangely obsessed with her biology teacher, Mr. McFadden. McFadden is mysterious in the way that he doesn’t appreciate the function of curtains or watches, thinks that clouds are a topic fit to teach in biology, and frequently consumes chocolate chip cookies and apple pie together. Oh, and he seems to have some kind of strange astral projection power which causes him to spontaneously bleed. Lila goes to his house to further her investigation which leads to weird flirtation and the question of where Lila grows all of her zillions of tomatoes in the dorm. After becoming lost on the way home like a child in the grocery store, her coddling parent-friends Benny and Samus find her. Samus, a man named after a fictional female Nintendo character, also seems to be having some problems with astral projection; namely that he’s flashing back to when his high school friend, Ross, was randomly murdered during a romantic rendezvous with the moon and some candy bars. Let’s see what we can glean from this last, oh so terrible chapter…

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Horror-FAIL Friday: My OLD Writing Part 11

huge_yawn_cat

Welcome back to Horror-FAIL Friday’s My OLD Writing. This is a series which catalogs some of the awful writing I did as a weird teen (often works of fantasy, sci-fi, or horror). I share a piece each week (complete with spelling and grammatical errors), comment on some of the dumb things written, and often include a bit of visual comedy to get my point across. It should be noted that I don’t remember half of this stuff that I wrote and having not looked at it in over ten years, I’ve found myself in complete shock, embarrassment, and, often, in stitches because of it. It’s just too good not to share.

In the current story, we’ve been following sophomore Lila Pullman on her quest to figure out just what the deal is with her mysterious science professor, Mr. McFadden. Witnessing him have an episode of some kind while trying to teach them about CLOUD FORMATIONS in a biology class, she goes to his home in order to dig up some more information. This results in the strangest flirtation scene ever written (unless you include anything from 50 Shades of Grey), and establishes the fact that McFadden is the most incompetent liar in the world. Let’s also throw in the fact that she’s his STUDENT. In a side story, Lila’s best friend, Samus, has also experienced flashbacks to the night his friend, Ross, was murdered. Although he was never there. Or was he? Is Samus a sleepwalking fiend? Or just an overly-anxious conspiracy wing-nut who thinks that McFadden is more than he seems. Let’s join our pathetic protagonists.

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Horror-FAIL Friday: My OLD Writing Part 10

Old Writing

Welcome back to My OLD Writing, a series for Horror-FAIL Friday where I go back and share some of my earlier (and often terribly written) stories along with side comments and observations wondering what on earth I was thinking. The current story deals with a group of over-dramatic college students at a hoity-toity photography school. Lila has the hots for her new biology teacher, Mr. McFadden, but also doesn’t realize that’s really NOT OKAY. Her best friend, Samus (randomly named after a Nintendo female heroine), is experiencing some strange flashbacks to his friend, Ross’s, death. McFadden is also experiencing these weird bouts while wide awake (trying to teach a biology class about cloud formations). And then, there’s Lila’s cat, Angelo, who needs as much supervision and attention as a dying patient in a geriatric ward for his so-called heart problems. Let’s rejoin the characters and find out what the hell this is all about. Maybe.

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Horror-FAIL Friday: My OLD Writing Part 9

Old Writing

Welcome back to the horrific fun that never ends. I’m talking about my old writing. It’s the stuff from over ten years ago that I keep locked in the back of a deep and dark filing cabinet. It’s the stuff that I had almost forgotten all about. But here it is and now we’re about to breathe new life into these often misused and silly words. The story so far goes something like this:

Protagonist Lila attends a fancy shmantsy photography school in California which happens to be on a hill in the center of the town…like some kind of creepy haunted mansion. The first day of her junior year, she and best friend, Samus (who has an affinity for freaking out over the littlest things), meet and greet their new biology teacher, Mr. McFadden. McFadden, for some reason, annoys the ever-loving crap out of both Lila and Samus (perhaps because he doesn’t understand the use of curtains, doesn’t own a watch, and assumes that cloud forms have something to do with human physiology). Needless to say, there is something funny going on with McFadden and Samus, both who have some kind of bizarre episode concurrently during their last class. Samus flashes back to the murder of his friend, Ross, who went off to romantically eat candy bars in the moonlight (I wish I was making that up). McFadden? We have no idea. But Lila, who witnessed both, is genuinely curious and wants to find out more. Let’s join her in her stupid quest for answers.

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Horror-FAIL Friday: My OLD Writing Part 8

Old Writing

Welcome back to a story that should have ended before it ever began. I’m referring to a story I composed 12 years ago in my early teens when I had a very tenuous understanding of college life and love. The tale in question revolves around a group of four friends at a photography school in California: Lila, ringleader of the pack with an apparent attraction for annoying science teachers; Samus, the side-kick named after a female Nintendo heroine who manages to overreact about any innuendo; Benny, who’s special ability is to make his dreads spontaneously grow; and Taylor, winner of the most confusing arguments on the planet. The science teacher in question, Mr. McFadden, is still rather mysterious (although kind of dumb, too). Let’s see what else we can discover about the object of everyone’s obsession…

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Horror-FAIL Friday: My OLD Writing Part 4

Old Writing

Yes, yes! You’ve been looking forward to this all week, haven’t you? We return once again to the awful cat vampire love story drama that I tried to craft when I was in grade school. Being that I wrote this when I was about 14 in 2002, had no social life, and spent all of my time inside writing, it’s bound to be bad. This was also at a time when I had crazy curly hair that could not be tamed and gigantic glasses, which weren’t in style then (but are now for some reason…). There are still times I look back on this story and wonder how the hell I managed to write something so incredibly terrible. The realization is that I didn’t know it was terrible then. I thought it was better than the things I’d written when I was younger (and it was, somehow…). Moral of the story is that hindsight is a bitch, but it also can make you feel better about where you are now and remind you of all you’ve learned.

But I’m preaching. I’ll bring you up to speed on where we now stand in our “cat-pire” story.

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Horror-FAIL Friday: My OLD Writing Pt. 2

old writing

Last week, I shared with you a horrific piece of writing from my past which entailed a group of cat shape-shifting vampires who died by turning to glitter in the sunlight and were obsessed with drinking rainwater. It’s terrible. It’s worse than terrible. It’s a Greek tragedy. As much as it pains me to continue sharing said story with you, it’s good to have the reminder that this was a long time ago…and I’ve learned a lot since then. A LOT. When I read the old writing, I can’t help but laugh and really, that is all that’s important now. Since this particular story had several chapters, I’ll be sharing sections of this with you over the coming weeks. It’s all for entertainment value now. I’ll be including comments in brackets throughout the piece which are my declarations of “Really? REALLY!?” I’ve left the spelling-errors in so you can have the full experience of awful. Prepare to laugh…and maybe cry…and definitely face-palm.

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Horror-FAIL Friday: Plot Holes and Jeff the Killer

So…I’m just going to come out and say it: I’m not a fan of any Jeff the Killer-themed stories to begin with. The original creepypasta story tells of a man with “dark” and “ominous” eyes with a “psychotic smile” and the kid that became him. This occurs through a series of ridiculous and overly violent circumstances involving a troupe of twelve year old bullies, a pointless birthday party, and spontaneous combustion. Let’s not forget the immediate and unnatural insanity that overtakes him, causing him to brutally kill almost everyone around him. The language of the story is mediocre at best and the ridiculous ending pretty much ensures that there’s no way I’d be losing any sleep after reading this. “Go to sleep”? Sure thing. See you in the morning.

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